Forgotten
by ashlice
Summary: He feels something strange in the pit of his stomach, something he hasn't felt in a long time. Maybe not since he was in high school. He feels sincerely nervous. - Set after 6x08. DS
1. Gatsby

**A/N - After episode 6x08, I had to do this. I hope you guys like it. The inspiration for the title comes from one of the definitions of the word itself, all of these can apply to DS and how Serena is feeling:**

_**Forgotten - **_

_a **:** to lose the remembrance of **:** be unable to think of or recall I __forget_ his name_b __obsolete_ **:** to cease from doing

2

**:** to treat with inattention or disregard _forgot_ their old friends

3

_a **:** to disregard intentionally **:** overlook —usually used in the imperative I shouldn't have said that, so just __forget_ it_b **:** to give up hope for or expectation of —usually used in the imperative as for prompt service, __forget_ it

* * *

"_I have a plan. And it's working."_

That was what he'd told Rufus just two days ago, but Dan Humphrey was quickly realizing that he was wrong. He pushes his typewriter several feet away from him, as if it too was mad at him for his hurtful behavior and would cease to speak to him anymore. He could still feel Nate's punch on the side of his face.

Maybe Nate was still in love with Serena too. Who knew? He didn't know anything anymore, so who was he to judge? But that was just the thing. That was all he ever did now. Dan Humphrey lived to judge. He sighs loudly and runs one hand through his mop of dark hair. Saying he was frustrated would be a huge understatement.

He couldn't do it anymore; he was done for the day. He pulls on his shoes and walks into the living room of the loft. Rufus is leaning against the counter, reading his mail. At Dan's entrance, he glances up, raising an eyebrow as he watches Dan put on his coat.

"You're going out? You haven't left this place since Thanksgiving." Says Rufus.

Dan shrugs. "I need some fresh air."

"Fresh air? Who's heart are you going to break now?" Rufus asks, going back to skimming his mail.

"Ever consider that maybe I'm the one with the broken heart?" asks Dan, though he already knows the answer.

"No, son, I don't."

Dan doesn't wait for his father to say anything else. He walks out of the loft, slamming the door behind him. He knows he's being very childish. But he can't help feeling that he's been nursing a broken heart ever since his very first break up with Serena, at her mother's wedding to Bart Bass. Speaking of Bart, Dan can feel his business card practically burning a hole through his coat pocket.

He could easily get a lot of dirt on a lot of people through Bart, prolonging his book. Maybe he'd have enough material for a new one. But he's not stupid enough to think that Bart would do that without expecting anything in return. Yet, he can't bring himself to just throw out the card.

What was wrong with him? Was he really becoming Bart Bass? He was. Or at least, he was trying to be like the guys who always got what they wanted in the end. Because he knew what he wanted and he intended to keep it. Or, rather, to keep her. And there was no way she'd stick around if she didn't respect him. Maybe even fear him, but only just enough to never leave. He'd momentarily given her up, but it was all part of the plan.

And that's when he sees her. She's sitting in a little café, by the window, reading a book and absentmindedly swirling her spoon in her coffee. What was she doing here, in Brooklyn? Was she here hoping to see him? His heart skips a beat at the thought. He rushes to cross the street and almost gets run over in the process. The commotion grabs her attention and she looks up at him through the glass. Judging by her facial expression, she had not been hoping to see him.

But he was an asshole now, and he'd accepted it. So, naturally, he walked right inside and sat down across from her. They sit there in silence for a while, just looking at each other.

"Serena." He says, finally. How anticlimactic.

"What do you want?" She asks, rolling her eyes. She places a bookmark in her book, closes it, and sets it down on the table. He smiles as he reads the cover.

"_Gatsby_?" He asks her.

"Fitzgerald is my favorite author. Or have you forgotten that, since all you seem to think I care about is men, being that I'm so starved for love and approval because of my daddy issues?" She replies. He can tell that she meant to sound biting and sarcastic, but instead she sounds like she's going to cry.

"I know he's your favorite. I also know that you've read that book already, and you only reread books when you feel like a particular book can be applied to your life. Are you feeling a little like Daisy today? Torn between many men, a shell of something that's supposed to be great?" He cannot believe how condescending he sounds.

Her face remains impassive as she answers him. "I'm feeling more like Gatsby, actually. Loving someone undeserving, but knowing that you can never turn off that love."

_"I loved you and just because we broke up doesn't mean I could turn it off just like that."_

He sees the moment from four years ago play out before his very eyes, sees her pretty purple dress and her devastated expression. He recoils.

"I'm sorry."

She rolls her eyes. "Seems like that's all you ever say, but you never really mean it."

He bites down on his bottom lip, unsure of what to say next. "I wasn't lying when I told you everything that I'd said in the elevator, and after that, was true. I meant it Serena. You're what I want."

He must sound as sincere as he feels because this actually slips past her guard. He can see it, just like he can always see her every emotion play out across her face. But as quickly as her expression had softened, it went right back to stone. She didn't even bother responding to him. It was only after another few seconds of silence that Dan realizes where they are.

"We used to get breakfast here our junior year in high school. Vanessa used to work here." He takes another look around. "We sat in this corner almost every morning, at least when you slept over."

Again, silence. She goes back to reading.

"Serena, come on…"

This seems to make her angry because she slams her book down on the table and gives him a look so mean and furious that he has the impulse to run for the door.

"What do you want me to say, Dan? That it's okay that you truly feel that way about me? That I can just learn to live with it?" She pauses, takes a deep breath. It doesn't seem to calm her, though. "You slept with me. Several times. Lying is one thing. But you slept with me to get information for your cruel expose."

His mouth drops open. He hadn't even thought of it that way. "I slept with you because I wanted to, not because I needed information. I had five years of information. I didn't need to sleep with you to get it." For the first time since his horrible ending with Blair, and his falling out with Serena before last summer, Dan feels really hurt.

"That's not true." She practically hisses.

"I've done some terrible things. But I would never do something like that, especially not to you." Dan says each word slowly and carefully, as if that would give them more meaning and she'd be forced to believe him.

Her eyes narrow a little, as she considers what he's saying. She seems to let it go because she doesn't say another word on the subject. She goes right back to reading.

"I've been feeling a little like Gatsby myself." He says.

No response.

"Serena, I feel like I've been in love with you for years and in the end you'll just run off with someone who's better suited for you. Who does Daisy end up with in the end? Tom or Gatsby, huh? She ends up with her loser of a rich husband Tom, leaving Gatsby dead because he was always wrapped around her finger and she never respected him enough to want to stay with him." He takes the book out of her hands, leaving her looking startled.

"Give it back, Dan."

"You know I'm right." He says, keeping the book out of her reach.

She glares at him, hands clasping and unclasping. She's trying to stay calm. "Please just stay out of my life."

"I know you don't want that, Serena. And neither do I." He puts the book back down on the table and moves his chair closer to hers, but she just leans away from him in response.

_"How do you kill a feeling?"_

_"I don't know."_

He looks at her intently as she turns page after page of her book, as if she forgot he was even there. Kind of like how he'd forgotten all about her last year. Or how she seemed to forget about him once Ben had come into her life. He suddenly has a question and it comes out of his mouth before he has a chance to stop himself.

"Why were you single for a year?" He asks her. At first, she gives no indication of hearing him, and turns to the next page of her book. But then she closes it slowly, and without looking at him, answers his question.

"Because I loved you, and I didn't want to get over you. I still had hope, even while you were with Blair. When I saw that she was realizing that she still loved Chuck, I knew I just had to wait a little longer." She pauses and turns to look at him. "Only, I was a little too impatient and tried to speed up the process. And then you said that I was nothing to you, and I gave up. I ran. I hated myself. You loved me so much, for years. And I made you hate me—"

"I never hated you, Serena. I was just blaming you for ruining any chance I had with Blair. I should have known I never really had a chance anyway." He doesn't sound bitter about that, he only sounds as though he is stating a fact.

She raises an eyebrow in question. "I don't want to be a second choice."

"You're not."

It seems as though his reassurances only make her sadder because when she speaks her voice breaks towards the end, and she takes a shaky breath, trying to clear her throat. "Yeah, right. You lost your faith in me. I'm a golden shell."

_"I wasn't wrong to believe in you. I still do. I always will."_

Had he lied? He'd meant what he'd said at the time. He'd said a lot of things to her.

_"I've waited my entire life for a date with this girl. Serena van der Woodsen."_

She looks down at her coffee, her golden hair fanning between them, covering her face, sending the scent of her vanilla shampoo towards him. He thinks she might be crying. Just like all those years ago, he reaches a hand towards her to comfort her, but lets it drop before it can reach her shoulder.

_"I was invited to a party where I met a girl. She only spoke two sentences to me, but I've never forgotten her."_

_"Do you even still remember the girl you fell in love with?_"

"Serena, let's get out of here."

"I'm not going anywhere with you." He was right, she was crying. Thank goodness the place was empty and in Brooklyn where no one could snap a picture of them.

"I just wanted you to see me as your equal, you always remind me that I'm not a part—"

She turns to him suddenly, tears falling quickly from her eyes, and her expression is so fierce that he can't even finish his sentence. It's left caught in his throat, the words still trying to get out. Of course, her eyes aren't red and puffy, nor is her skin blotchy. Trust Serena to make crying a very beautiful thing. She broke everything she touched, but when she wanted to, she could make anything beautiful. Could she make them beautiful again? Would he let her?

"What? I always remind you that you're not a part of my world? Because I have never done that. Chuck did that. Blair did that more than anyone you know. But not me. I have always fought to keep you in my world. And I don't just mean the Upper East Side." He's never seen her this angry, never heard her so upset. He's seen her broken, and he's seen her lost. But he's never seen her like this. And he's never seen anyone more beautiful.

He tries to think back to a time where Serena specifically reminded him he could not be a part of her world, but nothing substantial comes to mind. No, that had always been Blair's job, which she took right back after they had broken up.

_"I like you. Only you."_

He feels something strange in the pit of his stomach, something he hasn't felt in a long time. Maybe not since he was in high school. He feels sincerely nervous. So nervous, as she stares him down. He knows it is the absolute wrong thing to do, but he kisses her anyway, and she lets him. They'd kissed in that very spot, years ago and he'd felt just as nervous. She lets him kiss her for a few minutes, until he finally gives up.

"You don't want this." He says lamely.

"Dan, I've wanted a lot of things with a lot of men. Or, at least that's what I thought. I know I fall fast and hard, and I always get hurt in the end. But the one constant was always you. No matter what, I could never shake you. We said we'd have one more shot, and we'd either swim or sink for good." Their faces are still very close together, and he can feel her warm breath tickling his skin. He just wants to make everything better. He thinks about how all the previous men were said to be her life rafts, but she never seemed to need them after they were gone.

"So can we finally swim?" He asks her.

She kisses him once, quickly. But it feels more like a goodbye than it does a hello.

"No, because you already drowned us."

And at these words, that is exactly how he feels. He's suffocating. He's drowning.


	2. Marylin

**A/N - I'm breaking my rule of sticking to one-shots. But only because I want to try a multi-chapter DS fic. I doubt this will be very long, but I may change my mind based on the response and based on where I decide to take this. It is still in very tentative stages. Everything from 6x08 and before is canon.**

* * *

Blair dreamt in Audrey, and she dreamt in Marilyn. It was really no surprise. Blair was classy and sophisticated on the outside, or at least she used to be, and a wild child on the inside. She had her eyes set on one particular goal and would do all she could to reach it, but when the time came, something always went wrong. Something made her flee, something always scared her. And then she would shut down, or find a way to delude herself into her dream world, where she knew what was bad and what wasn't, and there was less of a gray area.

Serena, on the other hand, loved with an open heart. She was too trusting, and gave all she could and the only thing she ever asked for in return was the same. So, last year, when she had that dream where she was Marilyn and Blair was Audrey, she wasn't the least bit surprised. She loved and craved to be loved. But Serena, she didn't _need _it like Blair did. Blair was harder to love, and she was also harder _on _love. And Serena knows that it is people who find love to be the most difficult thing, who need it the most.

Maybe that was why Dan wanted Blair. She was so much harder to love. Her heart was tucked so deep inside her, unlike Serena's who wore hers right on her sleeve. Maybe it made Blair more satisfying to love, because it took more to get her to fall.

Serena shook her head, as if doing so would physically shake these thoughts from her mind. She'd promised herself she wouldn't go there. She would not think about him. But she couldn't help it. Especially when he'd been standing outside her bedroom door for the last four hours, begging her to let him inside. She was so close to having Vanya have security escort him out, because she'd have to use the bathroom soon.

"Serena, come on, please open the door. You can't stay in your room forever." He says, knocking half-heartedly. She had to give him major props for standing there for so long especially because she hadn't said one word to him since he'd started knocking. She'd originally hoped that he'd think that she wasn't there, but that had fallen through when she'd dropped her phone five minutes after he'd shown up.

"You can't stay out there forever." She says, finally. She hears him breathe a sigh of relief. He'd probably started to become paranoid, wondering if she really was out and had just accidentally locked her room.

"Watch me. I will." He says.

She sighs, and despite her better judgment, she gives in. She has nothing left to lose. When the door swings open, he falls in, regaining his balance before he hits the ground. It takes everything Serena has not to laugh at how awkward he is.

"I told you last week when you hounded me over my coffee that I don't want you in my life anymore." Lie.

"You're lying." Truth.

"I was not lying. Dan, I can't do this with you anymore. I don't have it in me." This one was semi-truthful. She plops down on her bed, stairs at her hands, which are clasped tightly in her lap. After a few seconds, he sits down beside her.

"I was wrong. I thought this was what I needed to impress you, to make sure I'd never get left behind again. I shouldn't have published that chapter." He sounds like he's telling the truth, but she knows him so well by now that she hears when something is off in his voice.

"Part of that isn't true." She can feel him move closer to her as she says these words.

"You're right. I was wrong in thinking that it would impress you, but I should have published the chapter. It wasn't a lie. It is what I thought." He's hesitating before every sentence, and she knows that he's nervous. But she still chooses not to look at him.

"Well, I can't be with someone who thinks so little of me. Now, please go." She's doing her best to keep her composure, not sound like she's whining or upset in anyway. She just needs him to leave. But of course, he doesn't leave.

"_I was hoping that when I saw you, I would know that we did the right thing. But I don't feel that way."_

This time, it was turn to feel like it wasn't the right thing. Something was always calling her back to him, as desperately as she was trying to shake it. He'd found her in the Hamptons, four years ago, and told her they'd made a mistake. But this couldn't be a mistake now. He wasn't that boy anymore.

"Once upon a time we had the same hearts." She says to him, finally letting her eyes meet his for the first time since their talk in the café.

He looks and sounds confused when he answers her. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that we loved so openly and honestly. It was so pure and untouched. It was so _real. _We both loved each other the same way." A smile finds a way onto her face because she can never shake the feeling she gets when she thinks about what they once were.

"_I love you because you make no apologies for being exactly who you are."_

It was true. She hadn't, at the point. But now, all she does is feel sorry for herself for being so naïve and so trusting in all of her relationships. But, when she'd been with Dan, she'd felt like it was okay to be that person. She didn't fear the consequences, even if she knew they existed. She loved fiercely, and warmly, and everything in between.

Serena didn't need anyone. She could make it on her own. Deep down, she knew this was true. But it didn't mean she didn't want someone. Just because she didn't _need _itlike Blair did, didn't mean that she did not deserve it.

"_Look at me. I love you, okay?"_

It had always been so reassuring to have him. So absolutely wonderful and amazing. Nostalgia hits her very hard and she looks at him, really looks him at, trying so desperately to find his sixteen year old self in his eyes. She wants him to be there, so badly. But there's a huge part of her that aches when she realizes that they can never go back to their former glory. They were special. They had been everything that was beautiful about love. But now they'd become everything that was ugly about it.

"_You're here. I'd be crazy not to come."_

Where had they gone wrong?

"Whatever you're looking for, I get the feeling that you haven't found it." Dan says. So, he'd been on to her.

"We're not kids anymore, Dan. We're not hopelessly in love." The second part felt like a lie. She was in love, and it was hopeless in the worst possible way. He leans in, takes both of her hands in his. He looks slightly surprised when she doesn't immediately pull them away.

"We were so naïve. We didn't know anything. Do you really want that again?" He asks her. He seems almost disgusted at the thought.

"We knew that we loved each other." She says. His expression softens a great deal. He bites down on his bottom lip, unsure of what to say.

"You said that you knew we were forever." He says finally.

Serena knows she said that. She honestly believed it was true. She looks at him now, trying to see if he still looks like forever. She's coming up short and it starts to make her panic, until she reminds herself that she'd given up on them being forever.

"I was wrong."

"_I know I was right."_

"That's not what you said last time, Serena. Can't we just move forward?" He's pleading. She sees it in his eyes. He wants it to work, he really does. So where was her open heart now? Where was her warmth, her trust? Why was she suddenly so afraid of him?

"I'm afraid of you." She says it without thinking. To her dismay, he laughs. "It's not funny."

"No, you don't understand. This was what I wanted, two weeks ago. I thought fear equaled respect. And I got just what I wanted." He stops laughing and gets serious. He hands tighten around hers. "But now, I just want you."

"_That's what I want."_

She shakes her head, pulls her hands out of his. "Dan…"

He gets up, ruffles through his bag. From it, he pulls out a semi-thick pile of papers, stapled together in one corner. He hands it to her.

"The Final Chapter? What is this?" She's looking at the cover, as she reads the three words which give the pile a name. The final chapter of his book.

"It's the last chapter of the book. Read it, if you want to know how it all ends." He says, before grabbing his bag and walking out. She hears the front door shut behind him. She looks at the papers in her hand, her fingers itching to turn to the first page.

Instead, she throws it in the trash.


	3. Hopeless Games

**A/N - Hey there! So, this one's about half the length of the others and that's because Monday's episode is a tough one to work with, with the way that it ended and the promos for the series finale. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with this. I have an idea, but I can't execute it properly until the finale comes out. I do have to say that I hate the complete lack of disregard for real development of Dan's feelings, so I worked really hard to give an idea of what I'm thinking (and hoping) he feels like.**

* * *

He wonders if he's just made the biggest mistake of his life. Sure, he's wondered about that a few times before. He wondered about that right after he broke up with Serena the first time, he wondered about it after he kissed Blair for the first time. He wondered about it after he slept with Serena while he was technically still with Blair, and he wondered about it after he submitted his cruel chapter about Serena. But this time, he realizes that it feels heavier. The weight on his shoulders weighs more than all of those mistakes combined.

This time, she could be gone forever.

And with that thought, he is suddenly very dizzy. Dan leans against the wall in the lobby, wondering how he's going to make it upstairs to his new apartment. The apartment he'd been intending would one day be both his and Serena's. He's made so many mistakes, and he thought it would be enough to just admit to them. But it wasn't, and she left.

She might never come back.

The room was definitely spinning now. There was no way he was imagining it. Would it be stupid to chase down her cab? He glances towards the door and sees that the driver is loading the last of Serena's luggage. He tries to run, but he cannot feel his legs. Ironically, the fear of losing her forever is stopping him from going after her. Just like it had years ago.

New York without Serena? How was that even possible? Surely, the world would stop spinning. Or was he just being overdramatic? She was gone all summer and he never once worried about her. Well, not until he'd heard she was missing. But he always felt like she would come back.

"_You always come back."_

She could do it. She could leave. She didn't need this place like all her friends did. This place needed _her. _Serena would be better off without the Upper East Side. She would flourish elsewhere, in a more beautiful and less tragic way. She wouldn't be haunted. And isn't that what she'd been trying to do since she was fifteen? She'd been trying to escape this world that she never wanted to be a part of. But she always found her way back. Except this time, she watched the one person whom she believed to be untouchable by this world succumb to its power.

_You were supposed to be different._

He was. He used to be. And boy, had they been beautiful.

When he's feeling a little more level headed, he heads inside the elevator, thinking of fleeting moments that he'd taken for granted the last year and a half. He misses junior year. He misses special days during those years.

"_We're going to play a game." She says. Her eyes are wide and mischievous. She definitely had something up her sleeve. Judging by her expression, he wouldn't enjoy this. But he was still excited, regardless. She adjusts the front of her Constance uniform before she begins._

"_I'm a little scared." He admits._

_She laughs, and he's suddenly not worried anymore. He'll play her game if it makes him happy. "We only have ten minutes before class. I can't really torture you at length. Just pick a number between one and ten."_

"_Uh. Umm. Uhh—"_

"_Dan, just pick a number."_

"_Three."_

_She smiles, looking pleased. "That's how many new things you have to tell me about yourself today. We're going to play this game everyday until I know everything about you. I want to know you, Dan Humphrey."_

_He suddenly feels very warm. He knows that he's blushing, but he also knows that by now it was unavoidable._

"_Serena, that could take a very long time." He says._

_She rolls her eyes, shrugging him off. "We've got all the time in the world."_

But now they were out of time, and he wasn't on the school steps cuddling with the love of his life. He was in an apartment that he picked out to be closer to her. But she was farther away from him then she'd been before he'd even met her.

He drops his bags and collapses into a couch in his new living room, grateful that he picked out a furnished apartment. How did he make such a mess of things? How could he let it get this bad? He feels his phone vibrating in his pocket and almost doesn't pick up when he sees Nate's name on the caller ID. He doesn't want to talk to anyone but Serena.

"Hey, Nate. Is everything alright?" Dan asks. He's glad that Nate isn't in jail anymore, but he honestly doesn't have the patience to talk to him, especially not after their last encounter in which he left Dan's bottom lip swollen for two days.

"Yeah, for now, I think. What's this I hear about Serena taking off for California?" Nate sounds different. Less confused than usual, more worried.

"She just left for the airport. I just saw her." Hearing the words come out of his mouth, Dan feels even worse.

"What, are you crazy? You just let her go?"

"She's not a child Nate, I couldn't stop her." He sounds pathetic. He sounds like he's making up excuses.

"Dan, what is wrong with you? If there is anyone in this world that could have stopped her, it's you." Nate sounds frustrated, maybe even verging on angry.

"Are you kidding? She's hates my guts. Ever since she's met, every time she's ran away has been because of me." And it was true. She did. She didn't look at him the same way anymore. The look of disappointment that clouded her eyes whenever she looked at him ever since Thanksgiving was tremendously painful for Dan.

"That may be true, but she loves you even more than she's disappointed in you. And that's saying something. That day you overheard us talking about you, I was trying to convince her that being with you was the wrong thing to do—"

_You're right. Dan is a horrible, egomaniac…_

"Oh, trust me, I remember that. I guess if I'm out of the way, it's less competition, right?" Why was he being so defensive? There was no need to be. He's falling apart.

"Don't be ridiculous. I gave up on Serena the second she chose you. I knew it right then, that no one could ever live up to you in her heart." He pauses, takes a deep breath. "You were good for her. I gave up the last time because I thought that if I couldn't keep her, at least you would get to. Maybe you were even the better man for the job. But this time around, I thought it was the worst thing she could to herself. And you only proved me right."

"Thanks for the pep talk, Nate. By the way, did you not realize that had I kept publishing my work through the Spectator, you would have ended up publishing that very Serena chapter you were so upset about?" Dan feels the sting of Nate's punch as he talks, and realizes that his frustrations ran deeper than he ever realized with this people who's circle he'd been trying to break into for years.

"I wouldn't have published that piece. And two years ago, you wouldn't have either. I called to see if you'd convinced Serena to stay yet, but in keeping up with your new personality, of course, you're just a disappointment." The clicks dead, and Dan is left feeling more hopeless than he ever has in his life.


	4. Run

**A/N - So, suffice to say, I absolutely hated the finale except for the flashback and the DS wedding. I had a feeling that they would make Dan reveal himself as Gossip Girl, which is absolutely ridiculous. There are too many plotholes to even freaking count. And also, it made no sense how okay everyone was with it. As crazy as Blair has been this season, and she was pretty damn near psycho, she was the only one with an actual reaction. So, I will rewind to that very moment when they are all sitting in the van der Woodsen living room discussing the day's events. Everything until that point is canon. I promise, I will fix this mess and fill in the blanks between how it ended and the five year flashforward wedding.**

* * *

"I know you were lying. You're not really Gossip Girl."

He'd wondered whether he'd be able to pull such a big lie off. He should have known that someone would see right through it.

"What are you talking about, Chuck? Yes, I am. Or at least, I was." He tries to sound as convincing as possible. He was alone with Chuck Bass, having left the room under the false pretense of having a headache and needing a nap. Everyone was out in the living room celebrating the day's nuptials with lots of champagne, vodka, and bad memories. The key to maintaining love and friendship, at least the kind that his group of friends had, was having a bad memory. So that was what they toasted to. All of them except Lonely Boy, and the groom.

"Humphrey, I won't rat you out. You wouldn't falsely fess up without a good reason. I just want to know what it is." Chuck pauses, takes a sip from his champagne flute without taking his eyes off of Dan Humphrey once.

Dan doesn't say a word. If he feigns ignorance, he wouldn't have to tell the truth, right? But even so, he knows that if he doesn't say anything at all, Chuck would in fact go rat him out and point out everything that was wrong with Dan being Gossip Girl.

"I'm covering for Jenny."

"You're lying. Jenny's not Gossip Girl either." Chuck takes a seat on Serena's bed. He crosses one leg over the other, still waiting for an answer.

"Chuck, I don't have to tell you anything." But even as he says these words, he feels the weight of his lie getting even heavier. He wants so badly to tell someone. And the one person he wants to tell would only hate him more for lying.

"Maybe you don't have to tell me. But shouldn't you tell Serena why you just lied to her about stalking her for six years?" Chuck doesn't sound menacing. Maybe he's basking in the afterglow of his so-called wedding. Or maybe he really doesn't care and he's just messing with Dan one final time before he really becomes an adult, now that he's married.

Dan sighs, shaking his head. "I'm not Gossip Girl, you're right about that. I think I know who is, but it's none of my business to expose her. I did this to end the ridiculousness that was our childhood. I overheard Serena and Blair talking, and Blair was spewing her usual nonsense about how I'll never be one of you. So, instead of revealing her like I originally planned, I decided to kill two birds with one stone."

Chucks smiles and gets up to leave. "I don't care who it is. But, for someone who judges me every second he gets, I'm wondering why you're basing your future all on a lie." He walks out of the room, not bothering to wait for Dan's answer. Dan follows behind him a few minutes later. He sees Chuck and Blair, cuddling on a corner of the couch. He doesn't feel anything. He's not jealous, he's not upset. He's not happy for them either. All he could hope was that now that they finally had what they'd wanted all along, they would grow to be better people. Miracles do happen, right?

"Hey, how's your headache?" She's absolutely radiant as she smiles at him like everything is forgiven. He tries to force a smile that looks somewhat genuine. He's guilty. He's horrible. He's the worst.

"Um, not much better. Can we go somewhere to talk?" He doesn't wait for her answer, but instead takes her hand and leads her out of the room while everyone is still distracted. He's glad to see that she hasn't been drinking.

"Do you need to lie down?" She asks, pulling him over to sit down on the exact spot where Chuck had seen right through him minutes before.

"No, maybe you should sit down for this." He watches her smile fade as she recognizes the guilty tone of voice that he's using. The light in her eyes dims as she sits down slowly. There's something in the way her forehead creases, as she mulls over his words, probably trying to guess what he's about to say.

There's a sadness to her that he hadn't picked up on before. It had been overshadowed by the happiness she'd felt for her best friend. Now that they were alone, he saw her more clearly. The corners of her mouth quiver until they turn down, and her façade crumbles.

"Dan, how could you?" Her words come out barely above a whisper but he hears the disappointment behind them. He was supposed to be different, and he turned out no better than anyone. "How come you didn't just give it up when we'd started dating? How could you? After everything? You kept it all going for almost six years! I can't even—" She cuts herself off, reaching both hands to the sides of her head. She begins to slowly rub circles on either of temples, trying to calm herself down. It looks like she is the one who has the headache.

So she'd been faking something too. She'd been acting like she was totally okay with him being Gossip Girl. He'd been foolish enough to believe that something like that would just be forgiven. Gossip Girl had always been particularly vicious to Serena, and Dan knew it was half out of admiration and half out of spite. The thing that Gossip Girl could never take from Serena was her power. Knock her down, tell a scandalous story, expose every possible secret at just the right moment and Serena would still be the it girl everyone wanted to be. She would still be golden. Despite how badly she'd wanted to brand Serena as irrelevant, and how truly terrified Serena was of being so, it wouldn't happen.

"Why did you pretend to be okay with it?" he asks her, taking a seat beside her. She doesn't look at him when she answers.

"At first, I thought I was. I thought that we'd all done so much worse things to other people and to each other that I couldn't judge you, especially if you started it when you were only fourteen. But then I got to thinking about all of the blasts. Blair and Chuck's accident, Jenny losing her virginity, us sharing a sibling without knowing it. It just doesn't make any sense. And then I remembered that Gossip Girl knew I was drugged out in a motel room, left to die. You knew. And you came in being so understanding, telling me that you'll always believe in me—" She's crying now and she can't finish and he hates himself more than ever. He should have warned her from the start that he was going to do this, he should have been honest with her.

"Serena, I'm not Gossip Girl."

The crying fades as she processes his words. She looks up, confused and hurt.

"How do I know that you're not lying?" She sounds so vulnerable, so desperate to believe him. He knows that she wants nothing more than for him to be the boy that she fell in love with.

"Because I'm not. And you'll just have to take my word for it. Gossip Girl has been dead for a while now. The real one anyway. She's gone, and it was never me, though I may have played a part in her creation. We made a deal. If I took the fall, she'd leave forever. And we can all grow up." He hopes she won't ask more questions, but he makes a quick promise that if she does, he'll answer them honestly.

"Then who is it? Tell me everything."

And so he launches into the real story about how a timid ninth grade girl asked him for help on starting a website. She'd never specified what it was for or what it would be about, but she seemed really eager to have a site up and running the very day that Serena had her white dress accident. She too was like Dan, an outsider with a scholarship. She didn't belong to this world. So he helped her out. For years, Dan wondered if he'd helped Nelly Yuki start her path to being the most infamous anonymous blogger of their time.

"So, I'm guessing that's why she's always had some sort of weird crush on me." He finishes off, shrugging, as if it were all no big deal even though he knew that it certainly was.

Serena closes her eyes momentarily. "You just have to let me absorb all of this. It's been a long day."

"Take all the time you need." He's quick to reassure her, taking advantage of anything that will make him sound like he is a more caring man than he's been as of late.

She opens her eyes and stands up, making her way towards the door.

"Serena, wait! Where are you going?" He's up and already walking towards her.

"I just can't be around you right now. So, please excuse me while I congratulate my best friend and my brother on their marriage, and try to be happy so I don't ruin this day for them. I know their road has been far from perfect, and I know, despite what they think, that they got married under horrible, wrong circumstances. But they're happy, and they _know _each other, Dan. They know exactly what they're getting. That's not the case here. I could say that I don't even know you anymore, but now I think that I never really did in the first place."

_I don't even know who you are anymore._

It's like she's killed him with his own knife. The same words that drove her to flee the city last summer are the same words that she uses to break him. There must be something about those words that hurts the both of them like nothing else, because he does the same thing. He goes to his apartment, packs his things, and runs.


	5. Haircut

**A/N - This is a fair warning. This chapter is on the darker side. I'm very sorry if some of you don't like the direction I've taken DS in, but I feel like this is essential in rebuilding them. Not everything can be pretty. I'll switch up and write the next few chapters in Serena's point of view, though. Let me know which point of view you guys prefer!**

* * *

They hurt each other in many ways, but none are as bad as their latest choice. It's wrong. It's just _so _wrong for them to be doing this. They've dirtied and tarnished the last redeemable thing they had, their history. Each time, after it's over, he tells himself he'll try to change their situation. He'll try to make it better. They'll be more than the shell that they are now. But then a few weeks pass and he doesn't hear from her at all, until one of them is feeling extra lonely and picks up the phone.

Dan hates these nights, but he loves them all the same. He waits and he waits for her to call him, and when she does he rushes over like he hasn't seen her in years. And that's what a few weeks without her begins to feel like, it feels like years. Is she using him? Is he letting her? There are too many difficult questions that he refuses to find answers for because he's afraid that he'll lose this last piece of her that she's letting him keep.

He watches her pull her shirt over her head, rushing to leave as usual even though she was the one who paid for the hotel this time. Rushing because one of the most important parts of their bargain was that no one was to know. And she meant _no one._ She's dressed before he's even gotten out of bed, and he doesn't know what to say to make her stay. They never spent the night, never basked in the so-called afterglow, not that there was any.

"Serena…"

"I'm having dinner at Blair's, I've got to go now or I'll be late." She's looking around the room and making sure she hasn't forgotten anything.

"Serena, it's three in the afternoon. Unless you're making dinner, I think you have plenty of time." Dan pulls his t-shirt over his head, but doesn't bother putting on anything else but his boxers. She's leaning against the door, not looking at him.

"Well, what is it?"

"Can't we talk about this?" That was all he wanted, and she never, ever wanted to talk.

"No. We agreed that we have nothing left to talk about. May I go now?" She already has one hand on the doorknob. Her hair is disheveled and she's misbuttoned her coat. He walks over to her and attempts to help her out. He smoothes down her soft, blonde locks and catches a whiff of her vanilla-scented shampoo while doing so. The scent was locked permanently in his memories. Next, he moves down to her coat, which at first he tries to button properly but then changes his mind, and takes it off her altogether.

"I know we agreed not to talk. But I think we really should." He says while pulling her away from the door.

"Just because we should, doesn't mean we will." She responds.

They'd been doing this for just about a year now. A year ago, she'd told him there was no hope for them and that she didn't think she'd ever really known him. So he'd fled, and gone to stay with his mother in Hudson for a little while. A few weeks into his stay with his mom, he'd gotten what he'd originally thought was a really promising phone call.

"Dan, please, just come home."

"Why?"

"Because I need you to."

She'd sounded scared and vulnerable, and she'd hung up after only saying two sentences to him, but it was all he needed. He was on a train back to the city that night. She'd met him at Grand Central, plastering on a smile and giving him a slightly stiff hug. They'd gone to dinner, where they'd both stayed away from any topics that had anything to do with why Dan had left the city. He'd been so happy, thinking that she'd forgiven him and all would be right with the world again.

But he'd been wrong. He'd brought her back to the loft thinking that they needed some time alone to talk. He knew Rufus was in the middle of his mid-life crisis, after deciding that he needed one last hurrah with his old band and took off for a three-month tour with them. But the second he mentioned this to Serena, she went right in for a kiss. They didn't get another chance to talk for the rest of the night. He didn't stop anything that she tried to do, but he sensed that something was wrong. The sex had been good, but in a way it had never been before. Instead of feeling like a reunion, it had felt like an indulgence. Like, something that wasn't supposed to be happening but it was happening anyway.

It felt new, and emotional but not in a very good way. She was sad the entire time, he knew it. He knew that she was disappointed in herself for slinking back to him in this way and it tainted everything about that night. But her need was there; he'd felt that too. She was lonely, but only lonely for him. So he took it. He took whatever he could get from her.

Maybe they were both being masochistic. Or maybe he'd become the hopeless romantic he'd used to be, only much sadder. When he'd woken up the next morning, she had disappeared leaving only a note that had said, "I'm really sorry – S" in her neat, elegant, script. He called her day after day, even showed up at her house only to have Lily tell him that Serena had moved out two weeks after he'd left the city.

At that point, Chuck and Blair were still on their honeymoon so he couldn't even get any information out of them. Eventually, three weeks after that night, she called him again. This time, they talked, but barely.

"Are you okay with this?" She asked, while she was getting dressed. Dan had a feeling he should get used to seeing her this way.

He'd shrugged, not knowing how he really felt about it. "I don't know. As long as I'm around you, I guess I am."

And that was it. They'd left it at that. Yes, it was sad and pathetic but it was all they had. It was all she dared ask of him, and he never dared to push her. A couple of times she'd cried afterward, on her way out, not even letting him ask her what was wrong. But he knew what was wrong. He felt the same way. He hated what they had become. They'd fallen so far, and she really did believe that there was no way out of this mess. She'd learned to live with this. But he hadn't. He hated seeing all the life sucked out of her, her golden glow gone. She wasn't his anymore, at least not entirely. Yes, she'd given him her body on a semi-regular basis for a year now, but he wanted so much more than that. She was terrified of ever wanting more.

She'd cut her hair shorter a few months into their sadistic game, and the change shocked him when she walked into his room one day, already getting undressed without so much as a hello. He stopped her for a moment, took a good long look at her. Her hair had barely grazed the tops of her shoulders.

"Why?" He'd asked her.

"It was weighing me down." She'd said simply. He didn't push her to say anything else, because he'd understood that she wasn't being literal. She was no longer his golden girl, so she chopped off the last remaining part of her that represented that.

Dan wasn't sure if he could call what they'd been doing making love. He certainly loved her. He was still in love with her. But they weren't making love. They were breeding loneliness. She'd rush to get dressed, leaving him sitting there, staring, wishing just this once she would stay the whole night. It was draining. But he never turned her down. Eventually, he began mirroring her.

He stopped calling every day after about six months. She never picked up anyway. He'd leave her alone, wait a few weeks. Then he'd call. Now, she picked up. It became a sort of game, to see who could make the other wait longer. She used him. He used her back.

As far as he knew, she wasn't seeing anyone else. Sure, there was no Gossip Girl around to tell him, but he knew that she wasn't. This new Serena wasn't interested in seeing anyone. She was damaged, seemingly, beyond repair. So damaged, that she didn't even go hopping from man to man, like she used to when she'd tried to fill the void. She wasn't _trying _to be loved anymore. He certainly wasn't seeing anyone. He didn't want to see anyone but her for the rest of his life.

He's looking at her now, sitting beside him on the edge of their momentary bed. They'd taken to having their trysts in hotel rooms now since Rufus had long since returned home and Serena would not hear of anyone even knowing that she and Dan were in contact at all. She looks tired. She looks older too, like she'd somehow aged three years instead of one. What was he doing to her?

"You know, when this whole 'thing' started," he gestures awkwardly between them to indicate what he means. "I thought that it would eventually grow into something else. I thought that there was no way you and I could just have sex and act like it doesn't mean anything. But that's what we keep doing. And yeah, I know that this means something, but not what I want it to mean."

She cuts him off, and at first he thinks it's just because she really doesn't want to talk about it. "Dan, I know, okay? It means that we're using each other in the worst way possible. But I'm trapped. I can't go back and I can't move forward."

He understands what she means. He looks at her now much shorter hair, seeing her attempt at erasing who she used to be, trying to get out of her old skin. He sees how empty she is, sees how her collarbone juts out more sharply than it used to. These are warning signs that he keeps ignoring. He knows that she's headed down a very dark road.

"I want you to be happy again. What's happened to you, Serena?" He hasn't cried in forever. But looking at her now, he starts to. He knows it's the first time he's done that in front of her. For the first time in over a year, he sees her sadness ebb away from her expression. She softens, if only slightly.

"I used to want to be happy." She says. He wants her to cry. He wants to see _any _sort of emotion come out of her. But instead of crying, she gives him a small smile, and a very soft kiss on his mouth. It doesn't feel like it's out of loneliness. It feels like a real kiss.

"Serena, I really love you." He says. She's silent for a few seconds. It's the first time he's said those words since he'd left.

"I know you do." She says.


	6. Clair and Sabrina

**A/N - I couldn't help updating. I know this will probably lower the number of reviews I get, because I haven't properly let the last chapter sink in before posting this one. But I really couldn't wait. There's another time jump, this one takes place about six months after where the last one left off. I just really wanted to write something in Serena's point of view. I think this is the longest chapter yet by far. I'm sorry for the lack of dialogue in the beginning, but I really needed to set up my view of Serena properly. I need to make it clear that I loved Blair for years, and I feel like I really understood the dynamic between the two girls and their differences. I don't hate Blair (though she was batshit crazy at the end of the show's run), I don't prefer one girl over the other, even though it may seem that way when I write Serena. In fact, during season two, when Serena was 'rising' as the 'rightful' queen of Constance and the fandom went a little crazy with taking sides, I was rooting for Queen B, not Queen S.**

**Anywho, sorry for the super long intro. Only one more thing, all of the italicized quotes are from Gossip Girl's narration on S over the years. I felt like I should point that out because I usually only quote Dan or Serena from past episodes. But these are all GG's.**

* * *

Serena used to be the life of the party. She'd laugh, tell funny stories, and everyone would be hooked. It was the mark of an it-girl. She was born to run the elite. She wasn't as maniacal as Blair, she never had been. She didn't scheme much, even in the early days of high school when she'd tried to embrace her so-called birthright. Maybe she was born to be Upper East Side's queen, maybe it was supposed to be her; but she'd always felt like Blair _deserved _it more.

Many times, she'd actually tried to take a backseat. But time and time again it seemed like the stars aligned and left her in the spotlight. People loved to love her and loved to hate her. They rooted for her triumphs, reveled in her mistakes. She was their heroine. They felt sorry for the party girl who had it better than everyone, because she always seemed to be missing something. But they all still waited with baited breath to see when her next fall would be.

And there was always a next fall. She was mirthless in her captivation of the public. She shied away from it many times, but couldn't help secretly loving it. Sometimes she openly loved it. She'd used it to her advantage many times. She'd giggle, make sure the camera got her good side, not that she really had a bad side, toss her golden mane back. Serena knew how to sparkle and shine. It was in her blood, it ran through her veins. She didn't have to work hard to get it, like her best friend had. She was tall, blonde, and beautiful. Not an ounce of unneeded fat sat on her body, her eyelashes were long, her mouth always painted into a dangerous smile. She was bold, she commanded the room.

Most of all, Serena had always looked free. She'd had this sort of self-imposed freedom. She seemed carefree, which it made seem like she always brought trouble on herself, since she didn't really have any trouble of her own. People watched her dance on tabletops, they stalked pictures of her knocking back martinis on a Wednesday night. They wanted her freedom. She seemed to have a light heart. And it made her important.

_Serena van der Woodsen, you are officially irrelevant._

But then she ran off to boarding school and everything changed. She read Fitzgerald, she read Austen. She read them all and in every tale of superficial partying she found herself. She was Daisy in _Gatsby, _she was both Kitty and Lydia in _Pride & Prejudice. _She felt their need to be important, their natural grace in social situations. They were at times a little ridiculous, and always looked down upon by those who were their polar opposites. But still, everyone was enthralled.

She didn't have a light heart. She never had. Just a very open one. And so she decided to change. She wanted to shut out that person. Little had she known, this would become her life-long struggle. The fight would always be between who she was born to be and who she wanted to be. For a while, in her last two years of high school, she'd felt like she had a balance between the two. She'd been searching for the balance ever since and had never once come close to having it again.

_Has our bad girl really gone good? Or is it all part of the act?_

She certainly wasn't good. She was cruel now. She taunted him. Dangled herself right in front him and let him paw at her, knowing he would not get to keep her. Serena didn't _belong _to anyone. She never had, and she'd lost hope that she ever would. When she was fifteen, she'd thought that she belonged to Nate. She'd thought maybe she could love him as more than a friend. When she was sixteen, she'd believed that she truly belonged _with _Dan. Never again after that, did she dare to believe she belonged. Belonged with, belonged to, it didn't matter. She just didn't belong.

_The brightest stars burn out the fastest. Or at least that's what I heard. Waiting for a star to fall._

She missed shining. She missed being able to sparkle, she missed being a star. So she took out her confusion and her self doubt on him. She wasn't just mean, she was vicious. She let him love her, she watched him writhe and wriggle in his pain. She drank it in, wishing and hoping it would make her feel better. But it just made her feel empty, so she tried harder.

He brought her flowers, she tossed them on her coffee table without a second glance. He brought her chocolate-covered strawberries, she left them to rot. She wanted to see how long he could hang on. Every time she shut down him down, she made sure to leave a little hope at the end. A smile, a kiss, the occasional stolen night.

But she never, _ever _said she loved him.

It was brutal. It was the worse thing she'd ever done. She was worse than Blair on her worst day. It was always Blair who never forgave, who was bitter. It was Blair that sought blood and revenge. Revenge had never been Serena's style. So was she after it now? Why was she mangling his heart?

How could she not, though? She'd forgiven him so easily after he'd watched her struggle. She gave herself to him time and time again, and he'd chosen her best friend. He'd shown his preference clearly and without abandonment, kissing Blair any and every chance he'd had. He'd shown his pull, his dedication to her. She'd been alone, and jealous, and wanting nothing more than to be with him. But she'd given him up in the name of love. How noble, how very selfless.

"You are killing my brother, Serena." It was a voice she hadn't heard in almost four years. She looks up to see Jenny Humphrey leaning against her doorway.

"I am not." Serena says, barely batting an eyelash.

"Yes you are, and worst of all, you're doing it on purpose. But he refuses to give up on you because he thinks that if he does turn his back on you, you'll disappear for good. And he doesn't mean physically, he means mentally." She doesn't move from the doorway. Her eyes are cold as stone, she is furious. Her bleached hair falls in super-long waves down her back. She didn't have on any of her usual dark make up on. She was fresh faced, a small reminder of how she looked when Serena had first met her, giving her advice on an over-priced red dress.

"Did Dan tell you that?" Serena's tone is lofty, cool.

"He may have mentioned it. He's lost you so many times. He doesn't understand that he's still losing you." Jenny's voice is no longer cold. Serena doesn't miss the pity in Jenny's words. It stings. But why does she care? She's not supposed to care anymore. She was carefree Serena again. She didn't belong to anyone, but everyone belonged to her.

_Welcome back, Queen Serena. Consider us your humble servants._

She's _Serena. _She doesn't have to care. She'd been humiliated and dragged through the mud on multiple occasions. She was so over caring about anything.

It was if Jenny reads her mind. "You've lost all the former glory you've had. Your shine hasn't only dulled and faded, it's gone altogether. So stop trying to act like it hasn't. Stop trying to top Blair in how shitty you can make Dan feel. It's not competition, but if it was you'd win, okay Serena? Congratulations. You break my brother's heart every single day."

Now Serena's angry. She knows it's all true. Jenny's not lying. But it doesn't mean that her words don't pierce right through Serena. What was she doing?

'_Cause if looks could kill, we wouldn't want to be Dan Humphrey._

She feels the moment of self-doubt. She steps outside of herself, sees what she's done to him for the last year and a half since he'd fled the city and then returned at her beck and call.

"Okay, Jenny. I get it." She says, finally. Jenny rolls her eyes and takes something out of her bag. Serena recognizes it immediately. "Ugh, please put that away."

"No. You still don't get it. But you will." And so, Jenny opens to Chapter Ten and begins to read a part of _Inside _that Serena hadn't really paid close enough attention to.

_On the outside, Clair demanded the best of the world. On the inside, she merely hoped for it. Beautiful and independent, Dylan didn't understand why she felt the need to ask for approval from other men. He also didn't understand why she sought Sabrina's approval so desperately._

_One day, he tried asking Sabrina. She had a champagne flute in one hand, a bottle of said champagne in the other. Dylan was surprised she was actually pouring it for herself._

"_Why do you tear Clair down after she tries so hard to please you? She cares so much about you." He can barely hear himself over the loud music. He really wished he hadn't come to this party, but he was dying to understand. He wanted to know, because he was so confused._

_Sabrina giggled, as if this was such an easy question. But her answer surprises him in its simplicity and honesty. "Because she let's me."_

"Okay, Jenny, just stop. I get it, Dan saw beneath all the glitter, he saw what a bad person I was, and I'm that person again, only worse. Blair was his shining light, but she never loved him like he loved her—"

"See, I knew you didn't understand. Were you listening at all to what I just read? Just switch the characters. In this part, switch out the name Clair for Serena and switch out the name Sabrina for Blair. Tell me if that makes more sense." She waits for Serena to do as she says.

Confusion clouds Serena's eyes even more. "What? Are you saying that Dan's book is actually about me, and that he just switched out my character for Blair because he had some sort of crush on her while he wrote it?" It doesn't make any sense.

"No. I'm saying that he blurred the lines a little. Sometimes it really was Blair he was writing. A lot of times, it was really you. He warped things in his mind. Maybe somewhere along the way, he really fell for Blair. I think he fell for the character he created. Sure, once he realized it too much damage had been done to his character. He fucked up. He really fucked up, I know. But you taking advantage of him doesn't make you any better." Jenny says, putting the book away.

"What if I don't want to better?"

"I don't buy that. You do. You still love him, you still want him. You're sleeping with him and pretending it's nothing more. You're shutting him down, and you're putting him down. But it's just because you're trying to drown any hope or any chance you two may have because you're too afraid to try to fix anything." Jenny sighs, shaking her head. "I'm not one to lecture about self-destructive behavior—"

"So don't."

"But I had to say something—"

"Now you have, so please go."

"Serena, just wait a second. You two were everything that was right about love. I know you don't believe it can ever be like that again. I know you think that too much damage has been done. But things can change. They do change. I mean, I didn't just come back to New York to lecture you." She finishes.

Serena realizes she didn't even stop to wonder why Jenny was here. "So why are you here?"

Jenny smiles slowly, an 'I told you so' kind of smile. "Blair just hired me to work for Waldorf Designs. Things change. So can you." And with that, she leaves the room. Serena doesn't try to stop, but instead mulls on her words. Blair had banished Jenny from the city. And though she technically could have stayed, Jenny seemed to take full advantage of having a reason to leave. She'd sunk as low as Serena had recently, and hated herself for it.

But it seemed as though Blair had come to realize the potential in their partnership and looked past the bad blood. In fact, ever since Blair had settled down with Chuck and all the drama had been sucked out of her life she was annoyingly chipper. Always seeing the bright side. It had been driving the two of them apart for over a year now. Serena only wanted to wallow in her misery.

But things change. People change. She walks several blocks from her apartment. She walks past the Empire, past Blair and Chuck's new place. She walks past her old home and past Constance and St. Jude's. She only pauses for a moment in the courtyard, pinpointing all the spots that she and Dan had sat or stood. Pinpointing all the spots where she had felt _whole. _

She walks and she walks, only stopping once to grab a coffee and a croissant. Her feet hurt more than anything. In all twenty-three years that she'd been a New Yorker, she'd never once walked across the bridge. But today, she finds herself doing just that. She stops in a shoe store a few blocks from the bridge and buys herself a pair of comfy flats. She makes the trek on numb feet. She feels like she's going to fall over, but eventually, she reaches her destination well after nightfall.

He's sitting on his front steps, lost in thought. She falls over from pain and exhaustion. He sees her right away and runs across the street to catch her before her back can hit the pavement. It's a movie moment, and it makes her heart flutter. She hadn't thought it was possible for that to happen again.

"I walked one-hundred and eleven blocks to get to the bridge, walked over the bridge, and then walked another sixteen blocks to get here. I know you're on the scrawny side, but if you don't carry me upstairs I might end up sleeping here. I can't feel my feet." She sounds so tired and helpless. He smiles, then laughs, and scoops her up in his arms. She's really tall and she knows her limbs seem to go on forever, so she's appreciative that he's actually trying to carry her.

But they only make it back across the street when he lays her down on the front steps. "My dad's home." He says.

"Oh." She considers this for a moment. "I don't really care if people know anymore."

He raises an eyebrow. "You're not drunk, right?"

She shakes her head no. "Your sister paid me a visit."

Dan nods his head, sighing. "I had a feeling that might happen. I'm sorry if she said anything to hurt her feelings."

"She only told me the truth." Serena leans her head against the cold railing beside her. She doesn't want to be bad anymore. "Can I spend the night?"

Now he looks surprised. "Serena, you look too tired to have—"

"Not to have sex. I mean to sleep. I'm too tired to make it back home." She says.

"You know, there's this thing called a cab that you most certainly can afford. I mean, don't get me wrong, you know I'd never turn down a chance to see you, but why did you walk all the way here?" he sits down beside her on the step, as far as away as space allowed.

"I needed to think. I didn't really know where I was headed until after the first eighty blocks." She pauses, smiles sweetly at him. It's the first genuine smile she can remember having in a really long time. "Can we just sit here and talk for a while?"

So they sit, and they talk. They reminisce and apologize. She's sweet and thoughtful; he's considerate and understanding. It's two in the morning before she feels the warmth again. It comes from deep inside her and spreads all the way through her, straight to her fingertips. It's a familiar feeling, and she clings to it.

Dan shoots her a smile, and the warmth glows. He hadn't looked at her this way in such a long time.

"How can you forgive me?" she asks abruptly.

"How could you forgive me so quickly? I stood there for a year, looking right through you and seeing only Blair. I trashed you publicly on more than one occasion. I knew who Gossip Girl was all along and never tried to stop her from ruining your life. But you forgave me time and time again, and it's the only real act of purity and selflessness I've seen on your side of the city. I'm just taking a page out of your book. Only, it's a page from the earlier chapters. It's the only thing letting me roll with the punches." He smiles, and leans in to kiss her forehead. "The new hair took some getting used to, though."

She reaches up to touch her hair, thinks about how she's been keeping it so much shorter. She never let it grow past the tops of her shoulders. But now, for the first time, she missed the golden mane. She looks back at Dan and thinks of the last time they sat on these steps like this, during their senior year. It was the one other time that she'd used her power against him and left him behind. This time, she strung him along, which was much worse. They'd sat on these very steps and wiped the slate clean.

"You know, I've been thinking about growing it out again."

_Spotted: A beautiful, blonde phoenix rising from the ashes of a major public humiliation._


	7. Full Circle

**A/N - Yay for quick updates! I'd like to say that I've always enjoyed Dan and Blair's friendship and highly disliked when they were made into a couple and then absolutely trashed in season six. There are natural ways to progress, to learn, and to grow. I also tried something new with this chapter, and combined point of views. I was worried it would be too confusing but I think it came out just fine. I hope you all like it!**

* * *

They go to the Hamptons. It's Dan's idea, but Serena doesn't mind. Ivy had long-since vacated CeCe's house in the Hamptons after her book became a best seller, so there was no reason not to go. They didn't tell anyone. They didn't tell anyone anything, they hadn't for a while. It was new to them, being able to live private lives. They don't talk about Chuck, or Blair, or Nate. They don't talk about the city. They don't talk about Gossip Girl. They don't talk about the past.

They don't talk about the future either. No plans, no dreams. At least, none that are spoken aloud. They choose to talk about the present. He writes, she reads. They talk some more. The first week is flawless. The hope bubbles in their chests and for the first time in a while they click on a whole new level.

But then she gets sick. She gets so sick that she scares him enough to rush her to the closest hospital, despite her protests. All he can think about is how her grandmother had been sick, and then so was her mother. But she was too young. This couldn't be happening to her. She couldn't be _that _kind of sick. He nearly collapses on the floor when the doctor tells him she just has a severe case of the flu. They keep her overnight and say he can go home but he refuses to leave and is beyond thankful that he got his flu shot three weeks ago.

She sleeps for a long time, looking as if she's sinking into the mattress. He knows it's not as bad as it could be, but he's still scared for her. She wakes up twice that night to throw up, though he doesn't know why because she hadn't eaten a thing lately. He tries to talk to her after the nausea goes away but she's so tired that she's out like a light before he can say much.

After a night of getting pumped with fluids she's cleared to leave. He's terrified because he knows that it's on him to take care of her. He could call a home nurse, he could call Lily. But something in him stops him from doing so. He wants to take care of her on his own. He wants her all to himself; he's not ready to share her again. So he assures Lily that Serena is not really all that sick and he didn't need any extra help. He begs her not to tell anyone that they are out in the Hamptons together. Dan carries her inside and lays her down gently on her bed. For such a tall girl, she looks unbelievably small. He tucks her in wondering if the flu shrinks people.

She's awake as he covers her, and she's smiling. It hurts to smile, feels like a huge effort. But she owes him at least that. She knows he's worried, she can read it easily in his big doe eyes. He's so concerned; she just wants to tell him it'll be okay. But she can't seem to form the words so she just sleeps. When she wakes up it's been four hours and he's trying to get some soup in her. She shakes her head but stops immediately because it only hurts and makes her dizzy.

"Serena, you have to eat. You need to get better." He pleads. She looks at him for a while before she starts trying to sit up. "Whoa there girl, relax. I'm here to help." He puts the bowl of soup down and slips one hand behind her back, the other on one side of her waist. The smell of the soup, probably chicken noodle, combined with the pressure of his hands makes her really dizzy and she thinks she's going to die before he has her in an upright position. She doesn't say anything because she knows that he was doing his best to be gentle.

"You're the best." She says before taking the bowl in her hands and forcing herself to finish the entire thing. She feels like a truck has driven over her multiple times but even that can't drown out the way he's looking at her now. Days pass, and he never once stops putting her first. He feeds her, makes sure she has at least eight glasses of water a day. He brushes her hair and keeps her clean. He changes her sheets and fluffs her pillows. He reads her to sleep.

The weeks without sex force them to talk more. At first, she's always too tired and it's mostly Dan talking. He talks about what's going on in the world, about upcoming elections and new revolutions. He talks about new books coming out and movies that he wants to see. Eventually, she's strong enough to sit up on her own and talk right back.

But it's only a matter of time before something pops their painstakingly crafted little bubble. She marches inside the house in her Prada heels, calling Serena's name. Her belly is round and covered in designer maternity wear. Blair Waldorf stops short at the sight of Dan Humphrey sitting in a chair by Serena's sickbed, the New York Times in one hand, Serena's pale, much thinner hand in his other.

"Humphrey? What are you doing here?" She says, her eyes widening and her voice reaching that oh-so annoying pitch that it always did.

"Waldorf? What are you doing here?" He mimics her, smirking. She's flustered at the sight of them.

"Well, I felt bad that I've been so busy getting ready for the baby that I haven't seen my best friend in a few weeks so I showed up at your place only to find out from your doorman that you'd left for the Hamptons almost a month ago. You didn't mention any of this on the phone, S." Blair is still rooted to the same spot, a few feet away from Dan and Serena.

Serena smiles slowly. "I'm sorry Blair. But I knew if I mentioned being here with Dan and having the flu you'd come right in and try to control everything. I know you mean well, and I know you've grown up a lot these last two years, but now it's my turn to do some growing up."

"Running away with your high school boyfriend is not growing up, Serena." Blair pauses, glances quickly at Dan who keeps his expression very passive, and then moves to sit down on the edge of Serena's bed. "This is why you shouldn't skip your flu shot. I don't want to yell at you while you're sick…" she trails off, losing herself in her thoughts momentarily.

"You know, Dan's been taking really great care of me. It's been so nice having him." Says Serena. When Blair doesn't respond, Serena changes the subject. "You're about ready to pop, B."

Blair glances down at her protruding belly, placing a hand on it. A smile creeps up on her small mouth at the mention of her baby. "He's due in three weeks. That was part of the reason I came to see you. I don't like this distance between us, especially with this little guy about to make his debut. I want you to be in his life. Chuck and I both want you in his life. And we want you in our lives more." She's looking at Serena carefully now, studying her. "You look different."

"Blair, I have the flu."

Blair shakes her head. "No, no. You look so much different from how you've looked these past two years. You look more like yourself."

This sentence resonates within Serena. All this time she'd felt like she'd lost herself. She turns to look at Dan and they share a smile.

"Are you two back together?" Blair asks them bluntly. Her voice is careful, measured. She hadn't been kidding when she'd said that she didn't want to upset Serena while she was so sick and frail. They don't answer her immediately. There's a few seconds of silence, and it's Dan who speaks up first.

"Blair, why are you so against Serena and I being together?" He asks her.

She's taken aback by his question, but recovers quickly. "She deserves better. And no, I'm not referring to your bank account because I know for once you're doing pretty well in that department. I mean you as a person. You've treated Serena horribly."

"Blair, you seem to forget that you dated me after Serena told you she was still in love with me—"

Serena cuts him off right away, rushing to Blair's defense. "I told her it was okay. She offered to stay away from you." She says quietly. There's pain etched across her face. He knows she's reliving that time that he'd spent with Blair and he knows that had hurt Serena more than anything. He hadn't been tactful and he hadn't been thoughtful. She's trying so hard to keep the displeasure of the topic at hand off her face, to defend Blair even though neither Blair nor Dan deserved defending. She'd caused her fair share of pain and hurt, but after taking a step back and seeing things through her eyes he couldn't find it in his heart to blame her anymore.

"I'm sorry, Serena, but that doesn't really matter. None of us have ever really had regard for dating each other's exes. We've all crossed that line, but this was a whole new level." He stops and shifts his focus to Serena. "I will never forgive myself for the way I treated you while I had feelings for Blair."

They're all quiet for a while, lost in their own thoughts. It's awkward and tense and it's clear none of them want to be there. Eventually, Serena asks them both to leave because she's too tired and needs to take a nap. They shuffle out into the living and sit on separate couches.

"You just had to show up." Dan says, sighing.

Blair doesn't even look offended at his words. "She hasn't talked about you in almost two years. She told me that you were never really Gossip Girl, and I thought after all of those lies that would be the end of it. I knew you were back, but I didn't think you'd have the nerve to go after her again, yet—"

"Blair, she called me and asked me to come back."

"What?"

"It hasn't exactly been a good time. But we're in a good place right now. I just want her to be happy." He's trying to make her understand. No matter how terrible Blair and Serena's friendship had been through the years, there was something that kept the two of them linked forever. He understood that kind of bond because he felt like he had it with Serena too.

"I know, okay? I know you do. I'm just scared for her. She's been hiding herself from everyone for so long. I want her to be happy too. I've done my fair share of trying to ruin her life. The way I hurt her most was unintentional…"She trails off and he knows she's talking about their brief relationship.

"Unintentional on both ends. But we can't erase it. And I wouldn't erase it. It was a learning experience." He gives her a small smile, which she returns. He knows that it's genuine. "But I would erase how much we hurt her."

"Ancient history." She says.

"That's what you called me and Serena." He responds.

Blair shakes her head. "No, that's not ancient history. It's important history."

They change the subject a few minutes after that. Dan makes her coffee which she insults but drinks most of anyway. It feels familiar and nice, and maybe even a little friendly. He goes to check on Serena and sees that she's kicked off her blanket. Her hair covers most of her face, though he can see that her mouth is slightly open. She's sleeping in a v-shape with her butt towards the window and her head and feet towards the door. Her arms are curled neatly below her head.

He can't stop the tender smile from coming, not that he tries, as he watches her sleep. He walks over and wraps her up in the blanket, then moves her hair off of her face. He brushes his knuckles as lightly as possible down the side of her face, glad to see some color back in her skin. She's a little warm, but not very-high-flu-fever warm. She opens her eyes slowly and registers who is sitting beside her.

"Hi." She says.

"Hey."

"Thank you for everything." She's not sure how she can even begin to thank him for taking care of her. She's so grateful. But she's even more grateful of the progress that they've made.

"I know that you're sick, so don't be insulted by this, but you've never looked more like your old self. At least, the old self that I fell in love with." He's trying not to suffocate her. He knows that they're taking things as slowly as possible. And as backwards as their approach was, considering they started off with jumping right back into bed, he feels like they have a real chance this time. The last thing in the world he wants is to ruin it.

_No one's ever looked at me the way you just did._

He's doing it again and it makes her breath catch in her throat. She's scared again. She's _terrified._ But this time it's even worse because she knows what it feels like to lose something so special. The thought of it hurts her deep down and she suddenly remembers why she'd decided to make their relationship strictly sex only. She got to keep him without there being a chance that she would open herself up to pain again.

_I need to know why you love me._

And just like she had so many years ago, she makes this request once again. "I need to know why you love me."

He's taken aback a little, but doesn't hesitate in his answer. "Well, all the reasons I gave the last time we spoke about this still apply. But I know that's not what you're getting at. Serena, I love you because despite whatever happens in our lives you somehow always find your way back to me. I love you because you stepped aside so that your best friend would have another chance to be happy. I love you because you were human enough to realize that you'd made a mistake, and you tried to learn from it. I love you because you've read _The Great Gatsby _six times and you're still trying to find new sides to the story. I love you because you don't insult my horrible coffee and you quote _Inside. _I love you because you deserve it. I love you because you're Serena, and I'm Dan, and that's just the way it is."

He's slightly out of breath, but he pulls her into his arms and hugs her tightly anyway. She doesn't protest even when he asks her if he's hurting her. Her thin, fragile arms wrap around his waist as she buries her face in his chest. Her hands knot around his t-shirt and she clings to him like she's holding on for dear life. They stay like that for a few seconds before another voice interrupts their moment.

"Maybe I was wrong. Maybe your hearts are the same again." Says Blair from the doorway. "I'll call you in the morning." She says to Serena before seeing herself out.

They're better after that day, for the most part. Sometimes there are moments where Serena is scared again, but they are fleeting and they disappear the second Dan walks in the room. She's better and she leaves her bed on her own now. Her hair is long again and for the first time in years she can look in the mirror without seeing all her mistakes written all over her face.

They only leave the Hamptons for a week to go see Blair and Chuck after their baby is born. Blair says that they've named him Henry and Serena thinks he's the most precious creature she's ever seen. She coos at the baby in her arms, rocking him to sleep. She's absolutely absorbed in the little part of Blair in her arms that she doesn't notice Dan watching her. She misses the warmth that clouds his eyes as he watches Serena with the baby, the way his eyes widen as if he needs to take in more of what lays before him, the tender smile that even he's not aware is on his face.

He stops writing silly poems and starts writing another book. The weather gets warm again by the time he finishes his first draft and he wants nothing more than to show it to Serena. But she's nowhere to be found in the house. He's confused for a moment before he realizes that there's only one other place she would be. He walks down to the beach, and sure enough there she stood dipping her feet in the water.

She's broken out her first sundress of the season. A light breeze blows the pretty folds of floral-printed fabric around her milky thighs. She hears him coming but doesn't turn around right away. He stands beside her, the cool water lapping at both of their toes.

"You finished." She says.

"How'd you know?"

"You left the house." She answers, laughing.

_You're also unaware that you laugh like a four year old._

It's a happy sound, and it's contagious. He's nervous as he hands her his first draft. He's suddenly aware that he hasn't even proofread any of it so she would surely find its every flaw and hate it. But his worry ebbs as he watches her face while she reads the first page.

"When are you sending this to your publisher?" She asks, already turning to the next page.

"I'm not." He says.

This catches her attention. "Huh?"

"It's for you and only you. I wrote it for you." His tone is so nonchalant even though he's aware of what a big deal this is.

She's left speechless. Her arms wrap around his neck and they're kissing, and for the first time in years it feels _real. _She's warm and fits perfectly in his arms. His head is clouded by the scent of her vanilla shampoo and hers by his fresh-scented cologne. One of his hands lays gently on the small of her back while the other cups her cheek and it all feels so wonderful.

She's sixteen again, standing outside of an out of the way pool hall. He's new and he's sweet and he sees past her mistakes. It's exhilarating and exciting and soon enough they're making their way across the sand back towards the house but they don't even make it halfway before they're horizontal.

It's Fourth of July again and he's seventeen and he loves her more than anything. She tastes like summer heat and he loves every second of it. There aren't fireworks over their heads this time, but he can definitely still feel their presence. She's _Serena _and she's golden again and he's beyond elated.

They've come full circle and they've never felt more beautiful.


	8. Sunshine

**A/N - It's really strange for me to lower the angst so much. I'm always worried that I'm not very good at writing happier things, but I tried very hard with this. The struggle isn't over yet though. Enjoy!**

**-Sarah**

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She's afraid to go back for real, but she knows that they can't stay here forever. She's thought about it plenty of times over the summer, but she's come to the conclusion that the longer they hide the more this begins to feel unreal. She knows that they have to throw themselves back into the real world, into _his _world and _her _world, and worst of all, _their _world and see whether or not they can take the hit.

He's afraid too because he's worried that she'll relapse back into the cold loner that she'd been for two years after his fake reveal about being Gossip Girl. He's so scared that he agrees to spend the duration of the summer in the Hamptons, meaning that they would have been hiding out for a total of almost ten months by the time they returned to the city in the fall.

Dan didn't mind summer in the Hamptons because Serena was there. Serena and summer went together beautifully. All the words that come to mind when thinking about summer also come to mind when thinking of Serena during that time. _Sunshine. Heat. Romantic. Bright. Hopeful. Lively. Vibrant._

Everything about summer loved Serena and Serena loved everything about summer. She darted down the beach in her pretty floral dresses with Dan at her heels. She convinced herself every time that she could outrun him, but she was always too afraid she'd fall and ruin her dress in the sand so she wouldn't go that fast. He'd always catch her, pick her up and then twirl her around. She'd laugh her four-year-old laugh, and dip her head down to give him a kiss, his reward for catching her. Their last week in the Hamptons, she threw complete caution to the wind and ran straight into the water one day. He watches her while she squeals as the icy cold water crashes into her hot, sun-tanned skin.

"What happened to liking your sundresses too much to run into the water?" He asks, not bold enough to walk in even though he's got actual swim trunks on. She's in pretty deep, the water hits at her upper thighs. She whirls around, letting the dress float in the water all around her. This one was his favorite. It had a darling sweetheart neckline and little red roses printed on it.

She laughs, throwing her arms up in the air and twirling around. "It's hot out today! Come on, Humphrey. You say you'll follow me anywhere? Prove it!" She wades in deeper until the water is a little above her waistline. The sun is beating down on her head, but the rush of the cool water isn't letting her feel it at all. It's sunny and beautiful and the strip of beach in front of their house is deserted. She feels peaceful.

Without warning, he runs in after her and pretty soon he's doing their usual routine of lifting her up and twirling her around. They're kissing, despite the few waves that crash into them, threatening to knock them down.

"You know, you're such a sap. This isn't _The Notebook." _She whispers into his ear. This makes him laugh as he sets her down.

"You haven't told me I'm bird, yet, actually."

She pouts, shaking her now damp head. "You're supposed to say that to _me_."

He looks at her for a few seconds without saying anything. Her cheeks are flushed; her eyes look more alive than ever. She's biting down on her bottom lip, nervous that she's just said something slightly embarrassing.

"I think we're going to be okay." The words bubble to his lips before he can stop them. He'd avoided saying things like that because they always upset Serena, who was too afraid to think of the future right now.

Her nervous smile fades as she processes his words and he's suddenly really worried that he's wrong, and they won't be okay. But instead of pushing him away she presses her lips hard against his. After a few seconds she pulls away and starts wading out of the water. He begins to think that she's not going to say anything when she speaks up with her back still to him.

"I hope so." She says.

_Hope. _She hasn't let that emotion overcome her in a really long time. The last time that she'd felt like it was running through her veins, driving everything she said and did, was the night she'd slept with Dan in order to break him and Blair up. The hope that it would work out, that the end would justify the means, consumed her very being. But it was layered with betrayal and deceit and, worst of all, guilt. That same hope that had driven her to such horrible measures, that had left her so emotionally crippled and shattered that she never dared let it consume her again.

But this hope felt different. It was timid. It flowed beneath the surface. It felt _kinder. _She'd been afraid to embrace it, afraid it would overcome her and she would turn something beautiful into something horrendous. But all it did was leave her feeling warm and at peace. So, like she'd been doing for almost the past year, she starts to break down one more wall. Behind this one lays the new, kinder hope.

It had been a beautiful summer, laced with surprise visits from Chuck, Blair, and their bouncing bundle of joy. Dan expected to find such visits rather annoying, but instead really liked the company. And seeing Serena play with that baby is probably the cutest thing he's ever seen.

One weekend in particular cements his future with Serena. It was a scorching July Saturday, and Serena had told a very tired Chuck and Blair to go take an afternoon off while she watched their son. They'd been reluctant to leave at first, Chuck surprisingly more so than Blair, but they eventually caved and took off for what Dan guessed would end up being some serious retail therapy.

Serena noticed that Henry was missing a sock and tore up the entire house looking for it. Dan, who knew a little something about babies after taking care of Milo years and years before, told her that she was crazy and it was so hot that there was no way he'd get sick from missing a sock. He was also sure that Blair, who dressed her baby as sharply as you could possibly dress a baby, would not leave her son without a couple thousand pairs of socks.

But no, she had to find _this _particular sock. She can't explain it; she just feels like she'd be letting him down if she lost something of his the first time that she watched him. She knows that he's a baby and probably can't even tell that he's even missing anything, but she just can't help herself. Eventually, she finds it and pulls it back over his little foot. It's a mint green color.

"There. I promise, I'll be more careful from now on." She says lightly tapping his tiny nose with one of her slender fingers. He's grinning a big toothless grin at her as he always does when Serena is playing with him. Dan watches them for quite some time, trying to understand the feelings that were building in his chest.

They're almost primal. He wants what he's seeing so badly. Something stirs from deep within him, something he can't really understand or put into words. It's an aching feeling, and he slowly realizes just how much he wants this to happen for them. He wants Serena to have a baby of her own, and even more than that he wants it to be his baby too. He wans to see her dote on it endlessly. He wants to put the baby to bed with her, and then cuddle on a couch instead of going right to sleep because they both know that it'll probably wake up in a couple of hours anyway. He wants to see her this happy every day for the rest of his life.

He feels like his fourteen year old self, the first time he saw her. He'd sworn it was love at first sight and that she was the girl he not only wanted to marry but also _had _to marry. How could she not be, if he'd felt so strongly after only speaking to her for a few seconds? And now, almost a full ten years later, he feels just the same way. Anything else is unthinkable.

They pass the lazy, summer days on the sand and the evenings indoors. Sometimes they talk, other times their bodies do the talking instead. It's not the groping, intensified, painful sex they'd had in their non-relationship. It's sweeter, stronger, fueled by something other than hurt and hate. At night, she likes to watch the stars and the moon from the front porch and he sits by her and hopes against all odds that they can stay this way forever.

But the fateful September morning when they've chosen to leave arrives and they find themselves sitting on their suitcases not wanting to move them outside. After a few moments of silent protest, she looks at him and shrugs. They stand up together, knowing that it's time to return to real life.

Their first stop is Lily's place. They know that Lily is well aware of their relationship, considering she knew they'd been hiding out in the same house for ten months. She'd visited twice in the spring and once in the summer, but had reserved her judgments and hadn't said much as far as their relationship was concerned. Serena figures it's because she was waiting to see how long they'd last once they were back home.

"Well, well, if it isn't my sun-kissed daughter back from yet another year in hiding." Lily doesn't sound mean. Dan can tell that Lily is only teasing her daughter, but he still suddenly feels very protective of Serena.

"Don't make it sound like a bad thing. It did a world of good." Serena quips as she plops down on the couch.

"Let's hope that it sticks this time." Lily says, taking a seat next to her.

Serena's looking at Dan when she answers. "It will."

They make small talk about the summer and whatever silly event Lily is hosting that night. She invites them to it, but Serena politely declines, saying that it may be a little too soon for a party. She's reminded of how her mom had shoved her right into Blair's first party of the year within twenty-four hours of Serena coming home, and just how disastrous the night had been. She also remembers Dan taking her hand that night, on their first _unofficial _date, and his awkward wave goodbye.

_You'd really go out with some guy you don't know?_

She knew him now. She felt like she _really _knew him. And she was pleasantly surprised to find out, deep down, he was the same boy she'd bumped into her first night back home, that night at the Palace Hotel. Sure, he was a lot wiser to the world now, and a touch more sarcastic but she saw past it all.

_She doesn't know me. Nobody knows me._

Everyone knew them. As they sit and have coffee with Lily, and he relaxes more and more, he feels more secure about being back. He's not worried about being "spotted" or having a secret revealed. He doesn't care. He has nothing to hide, nothing he wants to hide. For the last year, he sheltered her from the world and sheltered their relationship, afraid of people's judgments and whether or not they would change Serena's mind about him. But it's different now.

_You don't think she'll be too overwhelmed by the glitz and the glamour of the Humphrey lifestyle?_

Yes, he's more cynical and his sarcasm has definitely only intensified over the years. But he wonders whether or not the actual glitz and glam of his life did. He's willing to say that in the ten years since he'd laid eyes on Serena, it certainly had. But he's less worried about fitting into her world now. He's determined to make sure their old problems don't resurface. And sure, that's what he'd been trying to do when he'd published the cruel chapter that had led to their last break-up, but he understood that wasn't what she wanted. From the second Serena had realized that she had something special with Dan, she did nothing but try to include him in her world. And he'd let her right into his. She wanted him to be Dan Humphrey, exactly as he was. And after everything, he owed her at least that.

They've decided to stay in the apartment Dan had originally picked out when he'd been trying to win Serena back, that way she could live in the same building as her mother and not be so far away anymore. When she leans her head across his chest as they lay in their new bedroom he feels a comfort like no other. It's all too good to be true, he's sure of it, but he still manages to doze off anyway. When he wakes up, she's no longer beside him.

He finds her standing in front of the large floor to ceiling window in the living room that overlooks the city. She has one hand pressed lightly against the glass, eyes concentrated on something he cannot see. He doesn't want to startle her, so he treads lightly, curious as to what she may be thinking.

She's looking out at the place that she's identified as home all of her life. She'd loved it with all her heart sometimes, and at other times she'd hated it. Often, she'd feared it. No one really expected her to because she was, to use the famous title, the Upper East Side's princess. And everyone expected her to grow up and be its queen. She's aware that Dan is watching her, but doesn't know how to put into words what she's feeling.

"I've never really believed that I truly belonged anywhere. I know I was born into this life, and it's in my blood. I'm _supposed _to be here. I always come back." She says.

"So, what are you thinking now?" he asks her.

"That I'm more afraid than I've ever been that it'll try to swallow me whole, once and for all."


	9. Atonement

**A/N - I had a rough time with this one. I was so disappointed with Dan at the end of 5x16, the episode when CeCe died. I never liked how easily they skated over that. DS have done so many wrongs and have handled their relationship and their mistakes in really poor fashion. It's time they have it out. This takes place eight months after they move back to NYC, and a little over a year before the five year flash forward.**

* * *

Everyone expects Serena to crash and burn, even Dan. No one expects the crash and burn to come from Dan himself. He had come back with Serena, afraid that she would slip back into the person she was before they'd left for the Hamptons. Not for one second did he think that he would be the problem.

He couldn't explain it, not even to himself. Little by little, everything about life with Serena got under his skin. It wasn't Serena herself, she wasn't doing anything wrong. She got right back into the swing of things. She often babysat for Henry, bringing her and Blair closer than ever in their new "mature" friendship. She didn't party as much, and chose to attend philanthropic events instead. She quickly went from being the Upper East Side's runaway princess to its most generous queen.

He didn't resent her success or how quickly and effortlessly she'd transitioned back into a socialite. He wasn't mad at_ Serena_. He was mad at everyone else. He was mad at the ooh-ing and aw-ing over her. He was jealous of every man she spoke to. He wanted to knock out anyone who offered to buy her a drink. She was Serena fucking van der Woodsen, wasn't she? They all knew she could afford to buy her own drink, and if she didn't want to, surely her boyfriend, the famous author, would do so for her. It all just made him so mad.

But he'd known for years and people had always reacted this way to her. He didn't understand why it bothered him all of a sudden. He felt selfish and greedy, and after several months it only got worse. He was making her sad again, he knew that. He was pulling away from her, going out on long walks at night without her. He stopped showing up to her charity events, stopped babysitting Henry with her. He just stopped.

Being around her just made him feel so much worse because he hated how selfish he was being. He hated how jealous he was. It wasn't like when they were younger and some part of him was always jealous at how easily she was handed things in life just because of her last name. Now he was jealous of everyone around her. It was selfish. He was horrible. Being around her only reminded him of that.

Serena was patient and loving. She didn't push him to talk, only told him that she was always there to listen. She didn't treat him any differently, didn't get mad when he slept the whole day and blew off their plans. He had been patient with her for two years, she couldn't turn her back on him now. Of course, the more understanding she was, the worse Dan felt. It was a vicious cycle and he was sure that if he couldn't break it, eventually he'd break her instead. And he knew she would not recover from another break.

One night, as he was laying on the couch watching her return someone's email he got the urge to leave the apartment and just walk as far away as he could. But she looked up from her computer and gave him the warmest smile and mouthed a sweet _iloveyou. _He is rooted to his spot, completely torn. He knows that it is the calm before the storm.

"Serena, I hate everybody that you talk to." He blurts out. The _iloveyou _still hangs in the air, but it's accompanied by a silent _i'msorry _and an _ihatemyself _from his end. But he knows she'll hear the silent words, that she'll read the between the lines. She knew him better than anyone at this point.

"I know." Is all she says. She's still looking at him and though the smile has faded the warmth has not left her eyes.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." He says lamely. It's so pathetic and the _iloveyou _and _ihatemyself _and a million _i'msorry's_ float around him, filling up the room, making the air thick until he's sure he won't be able to breathe.

"I know what it is. For the two years that we were sleeping together but didn't really have a relationship you knew that you were the only person besides Blair that I spoke to. When we were in the Hamptons, you had me all to yourself for almost a year. After three years of it being just you and me, this is hard on you. I get it. I understand—"

He gets up, throwing his arms up in frustration. "No, you don't! Just stop being so understanding and be mad at me. I tried for the last three years to be that boy I used to be, the one that you fell in love with. And I finally felt like I found him again, and now he's gone. There are so many things that I've done wrong that we've never talked about." He quiets down for a moment, after realizing by her startled expression that he's been yelling at her. Her shock dims, and he sees the hurt begin to take its place.

"Oh." Is all she manages to choke out. He realizes that she was aware of all this. It's written all over her face. He suddenly feels very stupid. Of course she knew about all the things that he's done wrong.

He understands why he's so frustrated. "I still haven't forgiven myself for everything I've done. And I think it's because you forgave me so easily."

"Isn't that a good thing?" She asks.

"I thought it was. But I've been trying to be so good to you and I need to make sure that it's because I love you and not because I feel guilty. I need to know that you didn't forgive me so quickly because you felt guilty for walking away from me to try things out with Ben, and think that's why I turned to Blair." He admits.

"Not because you feel guilty…" She repeats, letting her voice trail off. She says each word slowly, letting it sit in her mouth for a moment before moving to the next one. He gets the feeling that he's hurt her with these words.

"Just say it, Serena. There's a reason you were so introverted before the Hamptons. You forgave me when I didn't deserve it, and you know it." He's pushing her, he knows that. But he also knows that they've been back on the Upper East Side for eight months and he's already spiraling. He wants this to work so, so badly.

"You let me go so you can be with a teacher who ended up ditching you in the end anyway. You came back and were absolutely wonderful to me when my dad showed up. We kissed and it ended my relationship with Nate and yours with Vanessa and even though I should have been sad, I know that it felt right. You were the only one who believed in me when Juliet drugged me and left me for dead in a random motel room. I loved you so much for that. I chose _you._ And you let me walk away. Being with Ben was one of the biggest wastes of time when I think about the fact that I could have been with you instead. You never would have turned to Blair." Her voice cracks on Blair's name and he knows that they're about to hit the crux. She blamed herself.

"I thought being with Blair was the one thing you truly forgave me for." And it's true. Though she forgave him quickly, maybe a little too quickly, for his history with Blair, it seemed like the most genuine pardon. She and Blair were closer than ever, and the two of them spent lots of time together, both one-on-one and with their significant others. It seemed like all was well and better than it had ever been. Being a mother seemed to take any desire Blair once had to take Serena's spotlight, that thirst to get out of Serena's shadow that always caused disastrous fallouts.

Serena shakes her head, a few tears escaping. "I forgave you both because I had to. I don't need Blair in my life, I know that. For a long time, I didn't think I needed you either. But it doesn't mean I didn't want you both in my life. The only way that could happen was if I forgave you both." She pauses to take a shaky breath, which quickly turns into a sob. "Dan, where were you when CeCe died? You were in the hospital, kissing Blair right in front of me. Blair, who was _married. _Blair, who was my _best friend. _Blair, who's grandmother wasn't dying. You didn't even talk to me. At Blair's first wedding, I told you that I loved you. I told you that I'll always love you. You didn't say _anything. _I had to go to bed every night, knowing that you were down the hall having sex with my best friend. I woke up alone, and you woke up beside her. And all I could do was swallow everything and support you both, because I love the two of you more than anyone or anything."

"It wasn't my best move." He says quietly, sitting back down on the couch slowly, never taking his eyes off of her.

"I've made mistakes. I've made such big mistakes." She says.

"_I've made mistakes. I've made massive, heartbreaking mistakes."_

She begins again, "But Dan, not like that. I always thought you'd be on my side, no matter what. I thought you would be there for me. I sat there with you, during an interview so you could get into a program and spend the summer in Italy with Blair."

"_It's like we were meant to be. You know, like Brad and Angelina once they got rid of Jennifer."_

"You saw right through all of it. Nothing I did mattered to you. My biggest mistake was not believing enough in us to think that we could swim after I chose you over Nate. And I am so sorry for that. Maybe it goes back further; to when I wasn't honest with you about Georgina and who I'd been before I went to boarding school. But I never turned my back on you like you did on me." She's trying so hard not to cry.

"_I'm always on your side."_

"Do you hate me for it?" He asks her. She doesn't say anything.

"I just don't understand any of it. I can't hate you for loving Blair. You didn't plan on that happening. But I don't get why I had to cease to exist in your life for you to love her." As she says these words, everything comes together inside Dan's head. He'd thought that his moment of clarity came when he fell for Blair. Afterwards, he'd changed his mind and decided the moment of clarity was when Serena forgave him for it and took him back with open arms. But this feels different, and he knows that this is what he needed. This is his true moment of clarity.

"Because if you were in my life, anything I felt for anyone else didn't stand a chance. If I let you in, she wouldn't survive it. Which is why the second I let you back into my life after Sage's Cotillion, even if it was for the wrong reasons, any desire I had to get her back was gone. I know it happened fast, and pretty much overnight. But I really think that's why." He pauses, and returns to his question. "So, you don't hate me for it?"

"The worst moment in my life was watching you kiss Blair while my grandmother was dying and I sat six feet away from you. It felt like I'd lost everything that had made me a better person. Everything around me was falling apart." She takes a deep breath. "From that point on, I'd always felt alone, no matter where I was in life. And the first time I'd shook that feeling once and for all was when we were in the Hamptons."

His eyes widen, his mouth drops open a little. "So, it was real? All of that? No guilt, just rebuilding?"

"You're still questioning it?"

"It was too perfect, Serena."

She nods her head. "But it was honest. It was the most honest we've been since high school."

"Do you really believe that we've atoned for everything?" he asks her. He moves from his spot on the couch and crouches down in front of her, taking both of her hands in his own. He gives them a gentle squeeze, letting her know that her answer won't change how much he loves her.

"Yes." She doesn't hesitate, despite the tears running down her cheeks. Her forgiveness was genuine. It was all he needed to know.

"Then marry me." He says.

Her mouth forms an "o" of surprise. She doesn't say anything for a whole minute but it feels like hours to Dan. He doesn't dare move or break their eye contact, as scared and nervous as he is.

She takes her hands out of his and stands up. "I need to go." And she walks out the door, taking his heart with her.

"_But I have never stopped loving you."_


	10. Confirmation

**A/N - Thank you to everyone who reads and reviews loyally. I'm so grateful for each and every review, I read them all and they all mean a lot to me. But, ****anyway, there's something I'd like to explain before you guys delve into this chapter. I've read a couple of the GG books and I've read excerpts from the books that I haven't read. Nate was a much more interesting character in the books, and he was a joy to watch during the first two seasons (and the beginning of season three, sort of). In the books, I admired the way he viewed Serena but I shipped him with Blair. On the show, I shipped CB almost as much as DS during their first three seasons together. Afterwards, once Blair and Chuck were no longer much of appealing characters (Blair had been my favorite until the end of season four), I only watched the show in the hopes that DS would find their way back to each other. I tell you all of this not to bore you (and I'm sorry if I did!), but to kind of explain why the first half of this chapter is a little unconventional. I needed a different way to make Serena realize what she's done through someone else's mistakes. If you're interested, just for curiosity's sake, in the books I shipped Nate and Blair, and for a brief moment, Nate and Jenny. On the show I've shipped DS through and through, Chuck and Blair during their true glory days, and Nate and Vanessa.**

**Sorry for the long Author's Note! I hope this chapter is worth reading all of that!**

**-Sarah**

* * *

She will not panic. And most important of all, she will not get drunk. She repeats this mantra inside her head for several blocks but she winds up at a bar anyway. She hasn't been to one in over five years. She stayed away from them after the sex tape incident. She should have known to stay away from them after the Sheppard wedding.

And in one of those rare moments where you see just the thing you were thinking of, Serena stops short of the stool she is about to sit on. She sees the back of his head, recognizes it immediately. She doesn't know if she wants to say something, if she wants to see anyone right now at all. But, of course, he turns around and spots her. A smile breaks out onto his face, but just as quickly as it comes, it fades. She guesses that she must not look too great right now.

"Serena, what's wrong? You look terrified." He stands up, drink in hand. She already knows it's a strawberry daiquiri. He only drinks that when he's alone because otherwise he'd be made fun for drinking such a chick drink. She knew it was his favorite, regardless.

"Nate…" Is all she manages before the tears start to brim. She doesn't want to cry anymore. The bar is practically empty, but it's not about who sees her. She just doesn't want to cry.

"Come here." He says, putting his drink down and reaching for her. She lets him draw her in and wrap his arms around her tightly. She's stiff as a board and she doesn't like the way his cheek presses against her neck. Only one person could hold her like that. Nate had always done that sort of thing when they'd dated, and she hadn't liked it much back then. Some things were only meant for certain people. Regardless, she's glad to see a friendly face.

After a few moments, she pulls away. She takes a deep breath, giving him a shaky smile before taking a seat beside him. The bartender asks what she wants and she requests a tall glass of water. It gets her some strange looks from both the bartender and Nate, but she doesn't care. She hasn't had alcohol in two years and she will not have it now.

"Serena van der Woodsen is at a bar and she orders water?" Nate asks, draining the last of his drink.

She shrugs, barely looking at him. "I don't need anything but water at the moment." Her voice, despite how cool she tries to sound, comes off as hoarse. She has a million things to say and no way to say them. Her phone rings for the millionth time, and for the millionth time she ignores it.

"I'm sure he's worried about you." Nate says. Of course he knew why Serena was so upset. "What did he do this time?" There's a drawl in Nate's voice, a disappointed tone. He's unamused and slightly irritated. Serena wonders why he's here all by himself.

"He asked me to marry him and I ran away." She replies tightly. Nate doesn't respond for several minutes. Serena wonders if he even heard her. She wonders if Nate is the wrong person to talk to about this. But she doesn't want to talk to Blair or her mom. She had no one else to really turn to, and here he sat.

"Well, I figured that was where you were headed. Isn't this your 'sink or swim' moment, or whatever it is you two used to call it?" There's bitterness beneath his words and she remembers that she'd let Nate sink in order for a chance to swim with Dan. She'd ended up losing them both.

For the first time since he first turned around and spotted her, Serena turns to look at Nate full on. She hasn't seen much of him over the last few years. He looks older, but in a good way. His eyes look like they're a darker green than they used to be. There's something clouding his expression that feels very familiar to her. She suddenly sees her old self from two years ago, distant and moody. Broken and damaged. She racks her brain trying to figure out if he was dating anyone at the moment. It was harder to keep up without a psycho blogger documenting their every step. She knows that he and Sage broke up when Sage went off to college. She doesn't know what's happened with him since then, and this makes her sad.

"You're mad at me." She says quietly. A look of surprise finds its way to his face, but it's fleeting. He hadn't thought that she'd pick up on it.

"Well, yeah." He pauses, and it just makes her tired. She doesn't want to hear bad news. "Serena, the love of your life just proposed to you and you ran away. When that douche Steven proposed, you were over the moon for all of the five seconds of that 'engagement'." He says the word 'engagement' as if it's something dirty that he's being forced to swallow.

"You don't understand, I—"

"You what? Are you scared? Obviously, Serena. But how could you do that to him? It's like telling someone you love them and not hearing it back." He says. These words seem to bring her physical pain. Her chest hurts and breathing suddenly becomes very difficult.

"_I love you, Dan Humphrey. Always have, always will."_

She'd been crushed. It had been her 'grand gesture' and he hadn't even bothered to respond. Is this what she had just done to Dan?

"Five years ago, I told Dan that I loved him. I told him I always have and I always will. He didn't say anything back." She admits. She realizes that the glass of water she'd ordered had been placed in front of her a while ago. She drinks the entire glass before Nate responds.

"Always have, always will…" he trails off, the saddest smile on his face. Serena feels a pang of guilt.

"I'm sorry. Blair used to say that to you." She raises an eyebrow, confused. "But why did that make you upset? You and Blair ended things for good…" She stops to backtrack and counts the years. "Eight years ago." She finishes.

He turns to her and she can't really place his expression. He doesn't look mad, he looks more so exasperated. "That's not the point, is it? I spent twelve years of my life thinking I was going to marry her. Instead, I got to watch her get married twice. Once, to someone who she didn't love at all and then to my best friend. You, well you were a different case. Serena, you were the dream. For years, I'd always thought I'd lost you to Dan. But then I realized that you were never really mine to begin with."

He closes his eyes, one puts one hand against his temple. She knows that this is not some declaration of unrequited love, this is something more. She waits patiently.

"I messed up with Vanessa big time. I still regret how that ended. She wound up preferring Dan anyway. I haven't loved anyone since those three relationships ended. Serena, I haven't had a real relationship in years. I haven't had a girlfriend since _Sage. _I'm so alone. And for the first few years it was great that I got to be my own person. But I wish I could have what you have with Dan. You love him more than anything, right?" He asks.

"Right." There is zero hesitation before her answer.

"Then don't be like me. Don't mess up. I had three chances and didn't fight for any of them. I lost Blair forever the second she got inside that limo with Chuck. I don't think I'd ever lost you, you weren't mine to lose. Everything else is a blur. I didn't pay enough attention. I focused on the wrong girls in life after high school. But _you, _you've _always _loved Dan most. So why are you hiding from him? Do you know what I would give to be so certain about who I want to be with for the rest of my life? Serena, that loneliness that you've felt your whole life, the same one that I've always felt, the one that always brought the two of us together? It disappears when Dan is in your life. It's why he's _it _for you. If you marry him, it'll be gone forever." He turns away from her and orders another drink. He loosens his tie and unbuttons the top button of his shirt, taking a deep breath.

She understands why he suddenly got so mad at her. Here was a man who'd given up on finding real love years ago. Here was the one person who knew what it felt like to feel alone in a crowded room just as well as she did. She'd found the only person who took that feeling away, who made her feel whole, who made her feel _real. _Nate hadn't found that person, and here she sat telling him about how she was running from the very thing he wished he could have.

"I'm sorry, Nate." They're useless words. She hates these words, but she doesn't know what else to say.

"I'm not the one who you owe an apology to." He says before downing his latest drink. They're both quiet for a while after that.

"Hey, Nate?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you still have that sweater that Blair gave you in high school? The one where she'd sewn that heart charm into the sleeve?" She asks him. She can see him blush under the glow of the harsh bar lighting above him.

"Yeah. I have stuff you gave me too. I have a receipt from when I arranged for Vanessa to take the SAT. I have a flyer from Jenny's rogue fashion show. Not because I'm still in love with any of you, but because they remind me of what I've lost. Don't wind up like me. And if you ever do, I have a feeling you'd only keep Dan's stuff anyway." He says. His voice had cracked on Vanessa's name and it makes her wonder if he truly wasn't so sure who he missed most.

She gets up and leaves the bar, mulling over her conversation with Nate. A warm August breeze ruffles her hair. She has no idea what time it is, but she knows that it's late. She reaches an old spot where one of her most important memories was made. She will not cry anymore. She calls Dan but gets sent to voicemail.

"_Hey, Dan. I don't know where you are right now but I just got back to my place. I was wondering if we could meet. Uh, anyway, I'll wait outside for you. Would it be cheesy to say for however long it takes?" _

She gets a sense of déjà vu as she leaves him a voicemail. "Hey. I'm standing in the spot where you first told me you loved me. I'll be waiting here, I'll wait as long as it takes. There's something you need to hear."

She hangs up feeling completely drained, but also completely sure of herself. There have been very few times in her life where she'd felt so sure of something, and each time had been with Dan. She turns around and stares at the front doors of her high school. She let's herself sink back into some of the happiest moments of her life. She's so lost in her thoughts that she practically jumps two feet when she feels someone's hand on her shoulder. She whirls around and when she sees him it feels like her throat immediately closes up. There's a big knot in her stomach and she knows she's about to break the promise she made to herself about not crying.

She'd been afraid of how he'd look when she'd see him and she had been right to be. He looks more than just wounded. He looks _destroyed. _His big, brown eyes bore into hers. His expression resembles that of a lost puppy. He's not mad at her. He feels betrayed. He looks let down.

"I don't know how, but I forgot that the first time you told me you loved me I didn't say it back." She begins. "Five years later, I learned what that felt like. Neither of us deserved to feel that way. I'm sorry that I did it to you again tonight."

"Serena, it's okay—"

"Dan, it's not. Just let me get this out there. I had you stand before me and tell me all the reasons why you loved me, junior year. I made you do it again while I was sick in the Hamptons. But I haven't done the same for you." She stops to take a deep breath, the knot in her stomach tightening even more after she does so. This was their moment. This was their sink or swim. "I love you because you let me be a part of this strange, upside-down world that I was born into, while still being a part of yours. I love you because you were there when I needed to talk or, you know, not talk."

He smiles a little at that one, and she knows he remembers that moment perfectly. The hurt ebbs away from his eyes, if only just a little. But still, she plows on.

"_I'm sorry that I judged you."_

"I love you because you wanted to see more in me. You _did _see more in me."

"_Hey, how about you ask me out another date?"_

"I love you because you took me to an old pool hall on our first real date and didn't try to sleep with me at the end of the night."

"_I ran across the city. I rented a tuxedo. I stole this mask from some drunken kid only to look like Robin. I conned my way in here, all to see you. I care."_

"I love you because you care. I love you because you hunted me down at a masked ball just to tell me that you liked me, and only me."

"_I'm really happy to be here with you, right now."_

"I love you because no one's ever looked at me the way you do. The way you're looking at me, right now."

"_I want to be the person that you tell these things to."_

"I love you because you come to me with everything that you're feeling, and I do the same with you. I know we haven't always stuck to that. I know you lost your way and that made me lose mine. But we're here now, and that's what counts."

"Serena, you don't have to—" Dan begins to speak, but she shakes her head, cutting him off again.

"No, Dan, I do. I have known from the moment that you carried me off like a princess after my Cotillion that you and I are forever. It's a heavy word; it's a scary word. Everyone wants to have forever but they're too scared to go for it because they don't want to risk losing it on the way. It's why I left without giving you an answer tonight." She can't look at him anymore, the butterflies in her stomach are fluttering so fast that she feels like she's going to hurl. The knot that they're fluttering around tightens; she has to force herself to keep going. It's only then that she realizes that she's shaking.

"_Merry Christmas. Do you like it? Do you think it's cheesy?"_

"Dan, you loved me from day one. And I know that it took me until Christmas of junior year to make all your waiting worthwhile, but that was the _best _night of my life. And I love you for it."

"_I wanted to make sure that when the dust settled, I still felt the same."_

"I love you because every time that the dust finally settles, after every storm, after every fallout, I'm always left feeling the same way about you. No matter how angry, or how hurt, no matter what the circumstances. I _always _still love you. So, marry me, Dan Humphrey." She finishes, finally opening her eyes. Now it's his mouth that forms an 'o' of surprise.

"Serena, you can't propose to me. I already proposed to you." He says, laughing.

She shrugs her shoulders, another warm end-of-summer breeze blowing her golden mane around her shoulders once again. "So what? I just did."

He walks over to her, placing one hand on each side of her waist. Unlike when Nate had done it earlier that night, this time it felt right. He kisses her forehead, then each of her eyelids. He kisses the tip of her nose, and then presses his lips against her own. It's a quick kiss, but a very sweet one.

"We can compromise. We can both say yes at the same time." He suggests.

"Deal. On three." She counts down, but the second she says three he leans in and kisses her again, this time for much, much longer. Warmth spreads throughout her body like never before as both of her arms wrap lightly around his neck. He pulls away for a second and they say 'yes' in unison.

Together, they say yes to forever.


End file.
